THE UNREPENTANT OFFENDER

SHOULD WE FORGIVE THE UNREPENTANT OFFENDER? 
{I am requesting that you withhold all negative comments until you have read the entire post. Proverbs 18:13 ISV says, "WHOEVER ANSWERS BEFORE LISTENING IS BOTH FOOLISH AND SHAMEFUL." If you do not have a long attention span, you may not want to even begin reading. And, if you cannot refrain from derogatory, oppositional comments before reading this article all the way through, I will know by the comments you make, and I will delete your comments.}
Ephesians 4:32 HCSB says, “And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.” Most Christians are taught today that we are to unconditionally forgive others. In other words, we are to forgive others, whether or not they own up to what they have done. Offering forgiveness without repentance, however, does not follow the biblical model of forgiveness (Luke 17:3-4).
Ephesians 4:32 and Colossians 3:13 says we are to forgive others in the same way we have been forgiven by God through Christ Jesus. Although forgiveness is in the very nature of God’s love toward those who sin, where have we ever read in Scripture that God’s forgiveness is unconditional? God does not forgive the sins of those who do not want forgiveness. He does not forgive those who refuse to acknowledge their sin and repent. Forgiveness is conditional upon our confession of sin and repentance.
However, God’s requirement that we confess and repent of sin doesn’t mean He is unwilling or unready to forgive. God is always willing and ready to extend forgiveness to anyone who confesses his sin and repents. (Matthew 6:14–15; 18:23–35; Ephesians 4:31–32; Colossians 3:13) Thus, God freely offers His forgiveness to all sinners, but there’s a big difference between offering it and giving it. Offering it is unconditional; giving it is conditional.
God is not reconciled with all sinners; He’s only reconciled with those who repent and believe the Gospel, because God cannot be in a relationship with sin or sinners. Is it reasonable to assume that God requires us to ask Him for forgiveness but expects us to forgive someone who is unrepentant and doesn’t ask for forgiveness? Really, is it possible for us to be more merciful and gracious than God? I don't think that we can be more forgiving than God. We can certainly be merciful, but we need to keep that mercy in line with God's word.
Matthew 18:22 seems to indicate we are to forgive boundlessly, seventy times seven times, however Luke repeats the story, but adds a condition to forgiveness in Luke 17:3-4. Luke says, “Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and IF HE REPENTS, FORGIVE HIM. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you, saying, ‘I repent,’ you shall forgive him.” As you see, the Lord clearly says “IF HE REPENTS, FORGIVE HIM.” Jesus tells us that our forgiveness is conditional upon the brother's repentance after the rebuke. As long as a person defends his practice and refuses to admit error, he has not repented.
NOWHERE in the Bible does it say that we should forgive anyone in a reconciling way if they don’t repent. The passages where repentance is not explicitly mentioned have parallel passages in other places in the Bible that clarify that our forgiveness is conditional upon repentance; and of course, those parallel passages do not contradict each other, because God’s Word is perfect. In Matthew 18:22, Jesus says church members should forgive each other seventy times seven times; however He doesn’t mention whether repentance is a condition. The author of the Gospel of Luke repeats the same story, but adds a condition: “IF HE REPENTS.” [Luke 17:3-4]
So, if we are to forgive others as God forgives us, then we are to forgive them AFTER they have shown genuine remorse, and AFTER they have repented (changed), NOT BEFORE. We are not to cheapen the gift of forgiveness by giving it prematurely or undeservedly, to those who demand it and act as if they’re entitled to it, and yet have done nothing to merit it.
I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve seen or read about some tragedy that occurred – the murder of a loved one, a terrorist attack, a drunk driving death – and the victims or their relatives, usually Christians, start “forgiving” the offenders within hours or days of the crime. I understand the motive, and also the desire to present an attractive witness about Christian forgiveness to the world. But it’s not a faithful witness to God. It doesn’t reflect how God forgives, which is to be our pattern and model of forgiveness.
Forgiving someone before they repent is un-godlike, it avoids dealing with serious issues, and while it might offer some temporary and superficial relief, it doesn’t produce long-term satisfaction to the conscience and rarely does it result in deep and lasting reconciliation. Repentance is important because it’s a person’s only hope for real change. If we don’t admit our sin, it’s impossible to be transformed. If we aren’t keenly aware of the sinful direction our lives are going, we will not see a need to adjust the direction. Repentance demonstrates that we need God to help us change our thinking, attitudes, and behavior.
To put it simply, forgiveness is a two-way process: repentance on the part of the offender and pardon on the part of the offended. Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation but it’s a step along the way toward reconciliation. This is the kind of forgiveness that most glorifies God, most benefits the offender, and most satisfies the offended.
Does Jesus expect us to simply forgive a fellow believer who sins against us? No, He doesn't. Otherwise, He would not have told us to follow the four steps to reconciliation outlined in Matthew 18:15-17, steps that end with excommunication if the offender does not repent: “And if your brother sins, go and reprove him in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. And if he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax-gatherer.”
Obviously, if the fourth step is reached (excommunication), forgiveness is not granted to the offender, as forgiveness and excommunication are incompatible actions. It would seem strange to hear someone say, "We forgave him and then we excommunicated him," because forgiveness results in reconciliation, not severance. (What would you think if God said, "I forgive you, but I will have nothing to do with you from now on?") Jesus told us to treat the excommunicated person "as a Gentile and a tax-gatherer," two kinds of people that Jews had no fellowship with and actually abhorred.
In the four steps that Jesus outlined, forgiveness is not granted after the first, second or third steps unless the offender repents. If he doesn't repent after any step, he is taken to the next step, still treated like an unrepentant offender. Only when the offender "listens to you" (that is, repents), can it be said that you "have won your brother" (that is, been reconciled).
The purpose for confrontation is so that forgiveness can be granted. Forgiveness is predicated, however, upon the repentance of the offender. So we (1) confront with the hope that the offender will (2) repent so we can (3) forgive him. We can say with certainty that God does not expect us to simply forgive fellow believers who have sinned against us, refuse to admit their guilt, and are unrepentant after confrontation.
I believe that the sin of unforgiveness which is so grievous in God's eyes is specifically the sin of refusing to forgive someone who genuinely repents and seeks our forgiveness. This is the sin in the parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew chapter 18. If we refuse to forgive others when they repent, Matthew 6:14-15 assures us that our heavenly Father will not forgive us.
Many Christians will quote Luke 23:34 where Jesus prays to God and asks Him to forgive those who nailed Him to the cross. He said, “… “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do..” Jesus prayed to the Father that He would forgive them, but this does not mean that they were forgiven without repentance and faith. It does mean that Jesus was willing to forgive them, as that was the very reason He was on the cross.
Those who crucified Jesus did not know what they were doing Luke 23:34. They were ignorant of the true magnitude of their actions. They had no idea that they were killing the Son of God. Those words that Jesus spoke indicates that He would forgive them if only they would humble themselves and repent. Jesus was asking God the Father for mercy and grace to be shown to those who crucified Him; however, it is not an example of Jesus or God forgiving people who are not willing to repent. Had they been repentant, Jesus Himself had the authority to forgive them at that very moment. And He did exactly that when one of the two thieves hanging with Jesus repented. He was forgiven immediately.
If we call ourselves Christians, we must forgive those who ask for forgiveness showing the world how Christ responds to the person who acknowledges his sin. Then we should forge forward in pursuit of God not being hindered by what previously took place between the offender and us. God knows that we will also assume the offender’s position at some points in our lives.
The Apostle Paul wrote in 2 Thess. 3:6 that "...But we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you withdraw from every BROTHER who walks disorderly and not according to the tradition which he received from us. "
1 Cor 5:11 says, " But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone named a BROTHER, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner—not even to eat with such a person.” The Word of God tells us that we should not even share a meal with such a person.
Roman 16:17: "Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them"
God says we are not to walk in fellowship with disobedient BRETHREN. We are to separate from them. 2 Thessalonians 3:6,14-15 NKJ: "6 But we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you withdraw from every brother who walks disorderly and not according to the tradition which he received from us.”………” 14 And if anyone does not obey our word in this epistle, note that person and do not keep company with him, that he may be ashamed. 15 Yet do not count him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother.”
Separation from disobedient brethren is required by God. First, this type of discipline is necessary in the local church fellowship in order to maintain church purity. I want to say again that we don’t do this in a vindictive way, but that they might be ashamed of their conduct and repent. Separation from a disobedient, unrepentant brother is for his spiritual well-being. All of us recognize our own weakness and any of us could fall into even graver sin, given the right circumstances. We recognize our own need for repentance and forgiveness, and but for God’s grace, we would all be in a similar situation. So, far from reflecting a judgmental attitude, this is an attempt again to reach out to him/her in love and have them return to fellowship.
Perhaps the hardest thing to do as a believer is to stand strong against a reluctant offender, who provides us with a half-hearted admission of guilt and the crocodile tears of a shallow ‘repentance.’ We are not to cheapen the gift of forgiveness by giving it prematurely or undeservedly to those who refuse to confess their sin and ask for forgiveness. Forgiving someone who is unremorseful and refuses to take responsibility for their sin is not helping them, and we are not serving God's purposes. We are depriving them of the opportunity to repent and transform their lives, to truly accept Jesus as their Savior so their sins can be washed away.
We, as Christians, have to be WILLING to forgive others when they genuinely repent and seek forgiveness. However, when the offender is unwilling to admit their wrong and refuses to repent, we have no other choice but to have a heart full of forgiveness, ready to overflow outwardly towards reconciliation when he/she repents and bears the fruit of repentance [Repentance is more than mere regret; it requires a change of behavior.]
Luke 17:3-4 tells us “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him…” To rebuke him is to ‘show him his fault.’ Have you confronted your offender, or have you simply distanced yourself from him? Of course, if it is a matter of severe abuse that would only subject you to further mistreatment, it will be best if you run for your safety. But in most cases, we should look for repentance and help them to accept responsibility for their wrong.
When the offender does not repent, we have no other choice but to withdraw our fellowship and refuse to accommodate their unrepentant behavior while maintaining a heart full of forgiveness, ready to overflow outwardly towards reconciliation the moment repentance appears. We are to place the person in God’s hands for our own peace of mind and spiritual well-being. Jesus understands every sorrow, every betrayal, and every act of treachery that we have encountered. He does not want us to suppress or ignore our feelings of anger, hurt and pain, nor to cover things over by a cheery face, but to lay the offences of those who wound and mistreat us at the foot of His cross. He will give us grace to surrender our need for revenge, let go of our emotional pain, resentment and bitterness and relinquish our anger.
Having said all the above, I encourage each one of us to examine ourselves before we demand repentance from others. Sometimes God’s Word requires us to call a brother or sister to repent who persists in known sin (Matt. 18:15); but sometimes He simply calls us to “put up” with one another in our flaws and failings. Colossians 3:13 GW: “Put up with each other and forgive each other if anyone has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.”

​By Lynette Hughes